Embracing My Autism: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Adaptation

About two years ago now, I came to the realization that I'm autistic.

I was at a conference for work and was so unbelievably overwhelmed and overstimulated. I had escaped to my hotel room to try and relax and I was just too keyed up to focus or do anything. I was melting down but didn't have the words to describe the experience.

I had already been going down the road of researching Highly Sensitive People (HSP) because I knew I was struggling with loud noises, big emotions, bright lights, etc. My husband had even suggested I get noise-dampening earplugs for the grocery store because I found grocery shopping so overwhelming.

I had been watching a lot of YouTube videos about HSPs when a video by Mom on the Spectrum was recommended to me. I was curious as to why the YouTube algorithm determined I needed to watch videos about the Autism Spectrum, so I watched one. And another. And another. I spent the whole night researching Autism, and by morning I was pretty darn convinced I was autistic... am autistic... you get the point.

I continued to research, take assessments, and created a large document detailing examples of experiences from my life that lead me to believe I was autistic. I had been working with my EMDR therapist at the time for about 5 years and wanted to bring my findings to her. But I wanted to be sure I was sure.

I nervously sat down at one of my weekly appointments with all the information I had gathered in hand. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay, so this might sound out there, but just hear me out. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic."

She simply looked at me and said, "Yes, and?"

Ha! Here I was all ready to defend my case and present my arguments and she had already known.

I've spent the last two years researching and learning more about late-diagnosed autism in women, and I'm still learning. It seems the more I learn, the more questions I have. I want to be able to move through life in a way that is authentic and conducive to my brain structure. So many things make so much more sense now, viewing them through this lens. It has been such a gift, honestly.

But now I'm trying to figure out how to show up and lead at work as a woman with autism. How can I structure my day and my work rhythms? How do I navigate social situations? When do I mask and when do I set the mask down? What do I do when I'm too tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, etc., to mask? Do I tell people?

What about being a mother with autism? How do I do that? Especially when I think my daughter might have ADHD. How can we work together in ways that complement each other, and how do we find understanding for the ways we differ?

Church has been a big one recently too. How do you attend church as an autistic individual? I've tried researching it, and all the resources I can find are really geared towards parents of children with autism, especially those further along on the spectrum. Faith is important to me, but so is maintaining my sanity and energy. How do I practice my faith in a way that works with my brain and not against it?

Relationships with family and friends, my relationship with my husband, pursuing school, and free time activities—all of it is affected by this huge realization. And honestly, mostly for the better. It's amazing how much better I feel when I do things that work for me rather than shaming myself and beating myself up when I can't do it like everybody else.

I'm still learning and exploring, but here are some resources that I've found especially helpful:

• Mom on the Spectrum YouTube Channel

• Embrace Autism

• Autism from the Inside YouTube Channel